It's impossible to organize my thoughts...

I have a lot to say. I do. Lots of random thoughts.
I'm going to write as many as I can think of right now.
Follow along if you can.

I have expectations. They may be too high. They may be too low. Either way, I don't care, because these things are what make me happy. These are things I have an insatiable desire for. These are things I want to do forever:


Music.
I already know I have an addiction to concerts. I've been addicted since 2002.
I feel like a veteran to this scene (a wise elder at the ripe old age of 19). I've been to local venues that other people don't even know exist(ed). It makes me feel old.
The Marquee Theater (otherwise known as "that building across the street from Fuel").
Most people don't even know it was a venue.
I saw Autopilot Off there in 2002, with Sugarcult, and Rufio (and I distinctly remember some Rufio fans saying they were going to "tear shit up" in the mosh pit BAHAHAHAHA). Some other band I didn't know (and could have cared less about), called The Ataris, was billed to play also, but we left early.
We offered Marko72 hot chocolate on a cold street corner on Thanksgiving night.
It didn't get any better than that. At least when you were 14, it didn't.
Who remembers seeing Senses Fail and Autopilot Off at De Real Ting? (yes, that's really how it's spelled)
The crowd was ushered into a basement, packed onto a "dancefloor" the size of a bathroom, and the kids were stacked three tall. Seriously. Anyone in that crowd could have reached up and pulled down the lights if they had felt the urge.
That was back when Buddy was still telling people to go download their new album, because we all swore it was never going to be released by their label.
Those concerts were some of my first. I remember the show at De Real Ting so well because I had surgery just a few days after that. The shows wiped away any worries I had.
To this day, shows still have that effect. I never want to stop going to shows, where, for a few hours, the only thing you have to worry about is whether the band will play your favorite song.
I don't care how I do it, but I want to be involved with music forever.
Music journalism, music photography, tour managing, merch, tech, pit reporter, Warped crew member, official Starbucks runner for the stars, whatever it is, I'll do it.

Traveling.
Few people will truly understand it. The few that will are Mom, Lindsey and Nikki. Other people think it's irrational.
I live for road trips. The challenge of packing as much stuff into a car/trunk as possible. Picnics at rest areas. Washing my hair at a rest area at 1 a.m. using a faucet outside and Lindsey's 3 foot water hose. Blaring cd's at 4 a.m. because you're so amped to be on the trip, that there's no way you could possibly stop and sleep. Sleeping in the car in empty parking lots between Warped Tour dates (because it would be useless to get a hotel, since you honestly don't have enough time to sleep). We can get 5 people ready for Warped Tour in one McDonald's bathroom. We are so skilled. Hahahaha. You probably think we are SO weird, but whatever. Travel plazas on toll roads (AKA the best place to run into people on Warped Tour at 3 a.m.)
The thing that I am pretty sure equates to opening presents on Christmas morning, is the experience of driving from one Warped Tour show to another, and passing vans and buses on the interstate all night long. When you pull into a rest area and see someone walk by with a laminate on, and you know just how they feel at that point, because you're both coming from the same place, going to the same place, and for the same reason.
Airports. I don't know why everyone hates airports. I love them. I can't even understand why I love airports, but I do. Maybe it has something to do with those baggage carousels. Maybe : P My backup plan, is that if I fail miserably at everything, I'll become a flight attendant, like William's sister in Almost Famous. LOL. I mean come on, who wouldn't want to fly everywhere? No sleep? I'm game. Let's go. Emergency exits are *here*, *here*, and *here*.
Rest areas. Some of the best moments on trips happen at rest areas. Like that one time Jon Wilkes came over and talked to us at 2 a.m. How he knew it was us over by the car, I'm not sure, but that doesn't matter. He asked Becca how she was holding up road-tripping with us. He said "They (referring to Mom, Me, and Lindsey) tour! And not even in a van!" I'm capable of seeing the world through the eyes of a band on tour. That's how we like to go about things.
I think about all the places I've seen because of road-trips for concerts. The Gateway Arch in St. Louis. The Sears Tower in Chicago. Times Square in New York City. The Pacific Ocean. The Strip in Las Vegas. The Hoover Dam. The Grand Canyon. Los Angeles, California. If I tried to think of everything from every city, I'd be here for days. The thing is, I want to see EVERY thing in EVERY city. I want to go to different countries. I want to hear people speaking in different languages, and I want to feel like an outsider in a foreign country. I want to know what people are complaining about when they mention "international flights".
This guy came to one of my classes today and he was talking about these summer trips to Australia, and I found myself toying with the idea of what it would be like to go on a foreign adventure for a summer.
Just like we go through concert withdrawal, we go through road trip withdrawal.
We're experiencing it as I type.
It's been too long since we've sang "Shredded By State Lines!" as we've driven over a border.
I could live in a bunk on a bus. I have no problem falling asleep at 80 miles per hour. I have no problem waking up not knowing where I am. I have no problem waking up in a different city/state every day. I have no problem with making hotels feel like home. I have no problem living out of a suitcase for weeks at a time.
When people complain about touring/traveling, that's what they hate.
But that's what I want most.

That song "7 Weeks" by Gym Class Heroes and William Beckett...That song could be my life.


My heroes always seem to be people who have hit rock bottom.

Gerard Way. I shudder to think of this amazing guy doing an eight ball of cocaine. Without Brian Schechter, we all would have been screwed. (and really, did you think the "sweetrevenge" thing was just me being sick and twisted? No, it's an homage to MCR, you dum-dum : P)

Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz III (*insert immature giggles here*). Best Buy parking lots will never be innocent again. Peter Pan with the responsibilities of a man. This guy makes me want to make the world shine brighter, to show him it's not all that bad.
I once saw something that said "I would give my pinky toe to eat Taco Bell with Pete Wentz and thank him for writing the words to the songs that changed my life." This boy's words make my head spin. He is a genius. I will not consider my life to be complete until I meet him in person.
Some of the best days of my life have been days where I'm in the presence of this guy and his band. A night well spent is a night spent singing "Saturday" at the top of your lungs while Wentz jumps into the crowd. I get so sick of all the Fall Out Boy haters. I will proudly say this is my # 2 favorite band ever (even though Mom SWEARS I like them more than RJA...not quite).
I will never forget those first couple of times I saw this band play live...back before they were the biggest band on the planet. You know, back in the day, FOB opened for Taking Back Sunday...true story. I was there.
"The songs and the words own the beating of our hearts." I want that lyric tattooed somewhere, someday. In fact, the only real tattoos I've ever considered getting have had something to do with this band. Maybe that says something about how important they are to me.

My # 1 rock-bottom hero....wiL Francis.
Dear god, I cannot express my admiration for this guy. I feel compelled to tell you his life story, just so you'll understand. He describes himself as a hopeless drug addict and alcoholic. He was doing cocaine by age 13. He was expelled from his school district in 8th grade. He has endured things I can only fathom. He said "On my 15th birthday, I was a full on heroin, coke and speed junkie. I shot anything anyone had." He did heroin, crystal meth, crack, LSD. He stole cars, robbed people, overdosed. He lived in the streets and in abandoned houses. When he was 17, while high on speed, he led the cops on a 25 minute high speed pursuit in a stolen car. He went to jail numerous times. Juvenile detention. He went to a correctional facility 20 times in one year. Rehab. The man planned a fucking massacre. He was going to go to a street in Seattle called "The Ave" on New Years Eve, kill as many people as possible, and then kill himself. The only reason he didn't do it, was because he was in a juvenile detention center on New Year's Eve.
wiL is completely clean now. When you see him at concerts, you just want to go give him a hug to make sure he's real, make sure he's still there. People have described wiL as being one of the nicest people they have ever met. It's true.
Back in March of 2006, Mom and I went to several Aiden/RJA shows. The first was in Jax. Then we went to Cleveland, Ohio, and wiL remembered us from the show in Jax. The next night in Toledo, wiL approached us and gave us a hug. It wasn't us going to wiL for a hug, it was wiL coming to US for a hug. You probably don't get it, but that hug in Toledo was something I will never forget.
I found out a few weeks ago that wiL is engaged. I am so ecstatic for him. If anyone on this entire planet deserves to be happy, it's him.
wiL Francis, you're my fucking hero.